Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize