You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
