I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
