It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
