I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
