My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
