i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
