I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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