It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
