Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
