ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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