I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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