it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
