i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
