I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
