Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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