Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
