I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
