sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
