you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
