God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish my penis had an off switch
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
