I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
