i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
