at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
