We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
