sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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