Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize