i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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