did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
