i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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