i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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