You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
