You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
