Moan for me like Helen Keller
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
