zippers are such a cool invention
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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