how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
