so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
