my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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