I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
