Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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