i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
