an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
