im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
whose parrot is this?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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