I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
