So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
