I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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