I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
