I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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