I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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