a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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