If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
