What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize