Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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