he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
