mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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