So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
