it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
