I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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